6/12/00 Dual Personality

We were sitting on the grass, a pre-pubescent girl and I. There was a shrub acting as a backdrop, she was sitting, I was laying on my stomach resting on my elbows. It had the feel of being directly after a family function or social gathering, the others had departed or were in another unseen area.

The girl, though she looked different, reminded me of a young, unguided, undirected real-world girl in the neighborhood, without actually being her.

She seemed at unease. Constantly curious about personal realities buried under covers and personality fronts, I engaged her with some sort of deep reaching compliment... ...the exact wording escapes me. She responded in her uncertain way, but sincerely, and it occurred to me that she had some sort of inner struggle going on. Laying on the grass next to her, facing forward and in the same direction she was, I removed my glasses and gazed back at her, letting my eyes go out of focus as she spoke.

With my eyes relaxed the vision of her drifted into double vision. Each half had slightly different mannerisms as she spoke. Feeling our discussion had reached into comfortable territory, I asked, "Can I ask you a serious question?"

"Okay," she replied simply.

"Are you two always there?" I asked directly to the split-focus visions of her, completely by-passing her as an individual. There was a moments hesitation. The split-focus visions of her turned and looked at each other, and back at me, shocked to be bared to the light of day.

The right half (as I looked at her) gave a half shoulder shrug without much emotion and replied simply, "yah."

From that point on the two halves of the vision of her became unique individuals and the physical girl sitting there all but disappeared into the two halves much like they had been hidden in her physical body up till now. After I explained how the relaxed reliance on my vision had tuned my sub-conscious suspicions to bring them into view they spoke freely and comfortably with me, and individually.

The conversation seemed unimportant, the bond that had been made between the three of us, between the two of us, emphasized the end of the dream. She had seemed unknowingly in need of comforting and someone had reached into her as an equal to touch souls with her.

I woke up feeling VERY happy and content, yet longing for it to have been real.

Where does a dream like this come from? I have to assume that the dreams that move me to the point of recalling them are a sub-conscious sifting and sorting of events that have occurred recently or are going to occur in the immediate future.

What was happening at the time of the dream...

I was in the process of healing from a rejection with a co-worker, a very beautiful and capable lady. I had stumbled around and ended up losing her to my inhibitions and intimidations. We hadn't really communicated much, but the few times that we did, I received the definite impression that there is a bond there somewhere, a very rewarding future together assuming that our own adopted importances could be stripped down, jobs, debts, responsibilities, different circles of friends, etc. etc. So I harbor a special fondness for this lady, one that is very unique and new from any in past relationships. She remains in mind despite my attempts at forced inner-anger towards her, avoidance, pre-occupation with other activities, or simple rationalizing that it is over, indeed 'it' never existed.

So like an alcoholic struggling with a week of sobriety I find myself drawn to her. Where he might open an empty refrigerator in the hopes that somebody left a beer behind, I pick up the phone with mixed emotions anticipating the glorious beep-beep-beep teasing over a message she may have left to draw me back in. Nothing but a droning dial tone, nothing but an empty shelf in the fridge. The heart plummets to the bottom of the chest in a tiny fit of despair. Lungs get puffed out with a deep, refreshing breath, and they sigh in relief, going instead about other constructive business of the day.

So I call her, one stray day out of the week. She's on the road, making the trek to her temporary home. Not with her drinking buddies, not at one of her jobs, not in some public activity... ...available, friendly, inviting, open, drawing me again in. That is my place, in between, an occupier, no, a comforter, of time that would be... ...what, troubling free time to think, undistracted by other people?

Yet those infrequent opportunities offer immeasurable elation... ...to what? My own torment to find like-minded companionship with an equal? rationable...

Baggage, suicide attempts, black sheep of the family, all invisibly hidden under an exterior of confidence, ability, intelligence, beauty, free-flowingness, and dedication. What is this past that haunts her? Beer drinking buddies, the bar, yet statements leading to the belief of a desire to separate or limit that element of her life... ...conflict or misinterpretation. God, don't even think it, a quick easy person to relieve her sexually? Some things shouldn't even be considered.

Something is haunting her thoughts? Thoughts that are drowned in the comfort of the familiarity of the bar-room and those at her side?

Where is it that this gorgeous, troubled entity is crawling up out of? I know nothing of that place. I know nothing of the past of that girl in the neighborhood. I know nothing of the daily activities of she who tickles my heart. I know nothing of the daily activities of that grade school girl. I am put aside by the intriguing one when she is occupied, and drawn in when alone, she doesn't want me, but wants me to reach out and claim her heart? Dual personalities of the dream girl? A bond. A touching of souls between two in seeming incompatible environments.

A sorting of immediate surroundings and information during the wee hours of sleep. The dream of the bond created through, in spite of...

This whole episode in my life haunted me for several months, it's cool being able to move on and let it rest... sheesh, I almost sounded a bit obsessed, eh?

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